Soliloki

Prosaic soliloquies performed by a quixotic person

Archive for February 2012

A Doubting Thomas, I Am

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‘Can I do this? Should I change direction midstream? Can it work? Will it work? What should I do?’

That’s my thought on school and work.

Doubts can be lethal. They start as an insignificant idea that passes through your mind like the wind. This is when a tiny seed of doubt is planted in your head. Then, it starts to grow. Rapidly. Dangerously. Next thing we know, it evolves into a gigantic stalk of doubts that keeps on growing within your brain and heart until you give in to it. A white flag is raised. You lost. Game over.

I’m doubting myself and I’ve a bad feeling that this is what will happen to me. Naʿūḏubillāh.

Stepping into the second year as a student, I’m starting to wonder if I made the right decision to get a higher academic degree. I even wonder if I should continue going into this direction, career-wise.

You see, being a person who is at high risk for dyslexia (that’s another story to tell) and has a short attention span (I suspect ADD, but for all I know, it may only be--oh, look, a squirrel!), learning and working within an orthodox atmosphere doesn’t come easy. And what more to say of doing them both simultaneously. If it weren’t for the love of knowledge, I’d probably not be here in one piece, intellectually and psychologically. It’s a good thing, too, that I’m a very curious person, by nature. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it’s been a great help to me. However, having a full-time demanding job and being a student at the same time is tough. Oh, I’m a good multi-tasker, believe you me. Still, juggling work and school gives a whole new perspective to multi-tasking--it’s akin to juggling two humongous boulders whilst walking along on a very thin rope. Imagine that. It ain’t easy. Sure, handling work and school at the same time isn’t impossible, but it sure ain’t no walk in the park (for me, at least).

It does seem easy to say, ‘I should stop doubting, and start doing and striving.’ Too bad, talking is more convenient than actually doing. That’s why giving out advices and critics to someone who’s in a predicament feels effortless. And what if the situation were reversed? We’d feel completely clueless and helpless. Theories are easier than practical applications.

Having said that, I’m eternally grateful for my life. Šukrān lillāhi taʾāla.

In case you’re wondering, no, I still don’t have the answers.

Written by SZA

26 February 2012 at 10:11 PM

Six Words

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Sunday be bringin’ the blue funk. I don’t enjoy Sundays like I used to, anymore. Bah, humbug.

I got a notification via email from Nicholl Fellowships, this morning--the Nicholl competition is now open for 2012 submissions. I’ve been wanting to enter the competition since two years back but, apparently, I still haven’t gotten around to writing a single word.

OK, so I may portray myself as all talk and no trousers, but I’m not guilty as charged, folks. Nuh-uh. Some months back, I did join a one-time session for amateur writers. Well, actually, the session was more of an informal get-together for writer-wannabes who wanted to make big. It was fun, though. Anyways, in the class, the writing coach-cum-organizer gave us some examples of short stories written by famous writers; one of them was by Ernest Hemingway and the story was only six words long. Some claim that this six-word novel is the work Mr. Hemingway was most proud of:

For sale: baby shoes, never worn.

Right after the coach read those six words, we writer-wannabes started weeping uncontrollably and calling our shrinks. It was that deep, y’all. Those six words inspired me and instinctively, I wanted to have a go at it. I wanted to depict an intense emotion, a sense of what I feel about Sunday, and bring that feeling to life--in just six words. I was successful (I think).

Sunday, followed by Monday. Blue funk.

POW, POW, DOOSH! Like triple sucker punches in yo’ gut!

Not.

Written by SZA

19 February 2012 at 12:29 PM